Heavy Response.

I find it hard to discuss the realities of life on my blog. It's not that I mind telling strangers how I feel or think. Quite the contrary. Most of the time, I feel more comfortable talking to strangers about it than I do those closest to me. Strangers just seem less judgmental. They are outside the situation and therefore are more open minded. So, although those closest to me, do read my blog, I am going to share anyway. Maybe it will start a new trend of deeper, more meaningful posts where I can start being more open .... with all of you and myself.

I recently made a new friend. Her name is Jodi. I have never met Jodi in person (though I hope to some day). We met in blogland.

Yesterday, she posted this on her blog entitled Heavy. It really hit home with me and I left the longest comment ever in response to it. She discusses the feelings of guilt she has from being unsatisfied at her current job. How she wants to be grateful and positive, but finds herself wanting more. Please, go and read her post first. http://www.livefreeandrun.com/2011/04/heavy.html

And then come back and read my response below. It will make more sense.

My Response to "Heavy"

"oh, Jodi. i so totally feel your pain. been there. crying at my desk. feeling the anxiety as i drove to work. feeling that i was wasting my life away. comfortable in the solid pay check, great insurance and most importantly, independence. But i hated it and was miserable. i was always ALWAYS afraid to take risks. i was very loyal and stuck with it, afraid of failing. never wanting to ever have to ask anyone for anything. and you know what, i always wonder what could have been possible for me if i had just taken that risk. well, someone finally came along and offered me a chance to find out. and although i love the 'freedom' of setting my own schedule and choosing WHAT i do every day, i still feel trapped. because now i am having to rely on someone else. sometimes im ok with it and sometimes i just cant stand being so darn dependent. on top of it all, i feel like im wasting this awesome opportunity to finally make something of myself. to make a living at something I LOVE doing. but im not making any money. and i wonder, what am i not doing? what am i doing wrong? how the heck did others do it? i am so with you on this, hun. i don't know how they did it. i wish i knew because i would be doing it. so i keep at it. it would be really nice to have some kind of (free) retreat where we all talk and have meditative exercises and feel inspired and receive some clear steps of guidance to get us where we want to be. *sigh* it's nice to have a plan but it doesn't always work. things fall through.we loose motivation. we loose are belief in ourselves. we get overwhelmed. i guess all we can do is keep trying. keep trying new things when one thing doesn't seem to be working. find what little things make you happy. give you release from the stress and anxiety. healthy activities and experiences that help you grow. help you figure out what you want. i say, if you haven't already, make a list. make lots of lists. a bucket list. a list of goals. a list of the little things you enjoy in life. then the things you don't like about life. and then maybe you can start figuring out a way to reduce or eliminate those things that cause you anxiety. Giving advice is so much easier than putting it into action in my own life. The thing is, I get stuck after I write the lists. Where do I go from here? What do I do? Who do I contact? Am I good enough to contact that person for work? Could I wait and hopefully get better and then be worthy enough to contact them? *another sigh* You mentioned that you don't know what you have passion for and therefore, what you want to do. I read a great book after college, titled "What Color is Your Parachute". If you haven't read it, I totally recommend it. Here's a link to some info on it ->http://www.jobhuntersbible.com/ Hope it helps."

I have the passion part figured out. I just can't seem to figure out how to make a living at it. Advice is definitely welcome. Concrete steps. Specific steps that will take me in the right direction, even more greatly appreciated.

jessie b